Tuesday, 22 January 2013

That feeling

I get this feeling in the top of my stomach. It's like a contraction inside.

After I had my babies I had the feeling a lot most days. For several months. At the time I couldn't say entirely what the specifics of my sadness were but I knew it was anxiety. Anxiety that I couldn't make everything work properly. That I wasn't perfect. I was depressed.

I did a lot of reading so I knew I could have helped myself by exercising, socialising and at the very least taking Omega 3. But how hard it is to make the slightest change when you are in the midst of depression. Fortunately for me things changed around me. My babies got older. I got more sleep. I had more space. Just time and naturally occurring changes gradually made me feel different. 

But I still get that feeling in my stomach sometimes. I have it now. This time I am not depressed. I know this time what feels like anxiety, or even guilt, is not usually that. Now it is thankfully much more likely to be too much caffeine.

But the presence of that feeling in my stomach reminds me of how tough it was. And the tip of the iceberg for how hard things can be for other people.

I am acutely aware that the time I have on my hands right now could turn that feeling into anxiety again. I have to rally against how easy it could be to to sit on my own indoors all day and do nothing. I know my own triggers and lack of communication is one of them. I know I have to get up, get out, and get talking.

This is not a sad post. Nor a worrying one. But it is one of recognition of anxiety and depression and those who live with it in their past or present.

I'm at a crossroads in my life where I could choose several paths. But the most dangerous thing for me would be to not make a choice at all. To sit down in the middle of the crossroads. So I'm getting up, brushing the snow off my car and getting a map.

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