Bedtime

Questions I have been asked once we tucked them in and turned out the light this week:

Are computer networks wireless?
Is the World Wide Web really world wide?
Who invented words?
Why are some parts of some countries not as developed as other countries?
Do you like Russia?
What's Putin like?
What is a typhoon?
If we went to New Zealand on holiday which way would the aeroplane go?
Would we take our kindle fires?

That's without even touching on the worries which include death, growing up, cuddly toys, which order the pillows need to go in and incomplete homework.

Then this classic:

"I'm worried"
"Why?"
"Because I'm not worrying about anything."
"What? You are worried because you aren't worrying?"
"Yeah you know what I mean."
"Erm..."

Bedtime. Not exactly like in the movies.

40 and Healthy?

The first question I asked the nurse tonight is why my husband hasn't been invited to see if he's healthy. Surely the fact that we share our birthday should mean he'll be invited to an over 40 health check soon? Or maybe I'm a more deserving case for help. Frankly he needs to suffer the excruciating experience of mildly underestimating the amount he drinks just as much as I did.

So I'm 40. 40 and 4 months actually. When I was 39 it wasn't a problem apparently, but 40. Well, you can't be too careful. I got a text message inviting me in for a health check but since I needed a repeat prescription on Thursday I went in to pick it up and thought I'd raise the subject then.

"Hi, I've come to pick up my prescription that you said you would sort out for me on when I rang?"

"Ah. No you can't have the prescription until you have a check with the nurse practitioner. She will need to check your blood pressure. I can book you an appointment on Tuesday."

"Ok, well I've had a text about needing a health check, is that the same?"

"Oh no, it's a different nurse but we can get you two appointments, one after the other."

"Just out of interest is the second nurse also going to check my blood pressure?"

"Oh yes. And your weight and BMI."

"Just like the first one?"

"Yes. But it's different".

Audible sigh.

So I turned up at the doctors with only a mild sense of trepidation. I was pretty much expecting the health review to yield the following results:

1. I drink a bit too much
2. I'm a bit overweight/my BMI is a bit high
3. I don't do enough exercise
4. My cholesterol is slightly high (I like cheese).

I went into my first appointment this evening and the nurse checked my blood pressure and weighed me.

Then she checked my height.

I pointed out that I didn't think the tablets I'm on would have made me shorter than the last time I came in. She laughed, then measured me anyway. She took my blood pressure (fine) and weighed me. Staggeringly I'm a bit overweight/my BMI is a bit high. Neither of us seemed particularly concerned.

I went back into the waiting room before being called upstairs.

Unsurprisingly my blood pressure in the second room was also fine, and I was the same amount overweight. The new nurse asked if she could measure my height. I said if I hadn't put on weight since walking upstairs it was unlikely I had grown.

Then she pricked my finger and deduced that my cholesterol is a bit high. I also should do a bit more exercise and drink less prosecco.

The whole thing was perfectly fine apart from the blatant waste of time in me being checked for exactly the same things within ten minutes. Apparently my risk of having a heart attack or stroke in the next 10 years is 0.56%. It sounded quite good but largely because I think having a 0 at the front sounds like it's probably ok.

I managed to come home and not crack open a bottle of Pinot Grigio, but I did open the biscuits my friend had just given me. I'll make it to the gym again tomorrow...

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone. I hope it's happy and healthy for you all.

New Year's Day 2016 has pretty much happened in a hum drum kind of a way:

I didn't have a hangover which is a miracle as we seemed to be trying to use up cocktail ingredients last night. I am however flipping shattered and no-one will let me have a nap.

A fox ran through our garden at 9.30am and now I daren't let the rabbits out to play.

Paul spent half an hour combing head lice medication through my hair only to find that I don't have nits. This is a miracle really since Tilly had them on Wednesday and my head itches like mad. Must be psychosomatic.

I washed my hair four times to try and stop it being greasy. It didn't work.

We spent five minutes trying to get a decent photo of all of us - I will probably remember that experience for ages since it included quite a lot of shouting. Not the idyllic family moment I was trying to capture.

We did lots of washing and lots of washing up. We need a new washing machine.

The Christmas tree came down and the living room felt a decent size again. The hall stairs and landing are however much smaller. We probably ought to put the boxes back in the loft.

We took the girls roller skating/blading to the car park round the corner. No-one fell over and all was quite chirpy.

I made burgers.

The girls did most of their homework. I am already livid at seven year olds having WW2 as a topic. Who flipping makes this curriculum up?

I have so far today avoided the remainder of yesterday's trifle and all the mini Terry's chocolate orange segments. Go me.

Of course now I've started to panic about what comes next. Going back to school and work loom and non of us are thrilled at the prospect. New year is supposed to be a fresh start but at the moment I just feel sad that the holidays are over, and anxious about what is to come.

Fortunately tonight includes cuddles with two very tired but fantastic girls whilst watching Billionaire Boy followed by Sherlock with Paul. But without wine. No wine for a little while I think. And Paul is going to have to eat all the trifle...

Update

So I failed again during my anxious period and haven't written since mid October. There definitely seems to be a pattern.

I'm feeling a lot better at the moment. As usual I can't identify why. There were a few really bumpy weeks but I'm out the other side. Again. Which is very good.

One trend at the moment is how early I keep waking up. There are benefits of course. I'm really enjoying half an hour to watch the news and think. It's cold enough I can justify the fire on and a dressing gown and blanket on the sofa. Of course I can't do anything particularly useful because I like the half an hour so much I don't want to shorten it by making any actual noise. I can't boil the kettle and the TV is barely audible. I am also desperate to reduce the bags under P's  eyes, help T claw back lost sleep from last week and let my husband have some rest. But I also want just a bit more peace for me.

If only I wasn't so flipping tired it would be genius.

Apart from that I feel nearly ready to make some changes. Hopefully they will be long term ones. I'm joining a gym, yet again. I have a list of stuff to do that involves getting a hair cut. It's a realistic list I think.

The biggest change I need to make is turning down social media in my life. Not turning it off, just turning it down. So I'm going to check it in the evening each day and not before. I can't tell you how hard this will be - it's become such a habit to read what's going on this way far too often. I'm going to walk down the street with my phone in my pocket. And I'm going to listen to even more Radio Four.

So in the short term please can you text me, not Facebook message me if you want me? The last thing I want is to miss out on contact.

Much love, K

Deep Breath

I'm sitting here feeling sick. Willing myself to make a commitment to go out singing. Which I love. But I want to hide at home.

I'm being honest. It's probably as hard to read as it is to write.

I'm struggling with anxiety. Fuelled by Sheffield City Council, children's worries, school and the dark. Not all the time. This morning I was fine. But at this moment. Now.

So I'm going to stop typing, have a cup of tea and get ready to go out, giving both my children cuddles before I go. Tomorrow I'll go to work and it will be ok. And then one day I will feel a lot better and it happen less and less often.

But this is a bit rubbish.

The circle of life

So Friday was a bit unusual. A very old and scraggy looking pigeon pecked around our rabbit hutches, seemingly with no energy to fly anywhere. It looked pretty miserable and it didn't seem to want to talk about it's issues. It went underneath the hutch instead.

It was then I remembered that I am really not great with animals and birds. Alive or dead.

I have close to a slug phobia. They actually make me nauseous. Paul has been trapping them in a pool of lager every night and disposing of them. Apparently there is a mass slug grave in front of the bug hotel. I don't want to think about it.

Once I thought there was a dead hedgehog in a groundsheet that had been left rather too long shoved under a bench in the garden. I picked up the groundsheet and put the whole thing in the bin. Paul came home, removed the groundsheet from the bin and the hedgehog ran off. And yes I do know hedgehogs are nocturnal, I'm just an idiot.

Then there was the badger incident. It was trapped in our garden and couldn't get through the gate to escape. We heard the gate bell ringing frantically. I was painting the bathroom at the time and was frankly terrified. Paul went down and opened the gate (with some trepidation however). I heard him saying "Out you go Mr Badger". Very respectful. And much braver than me.

Oh and dead fish. Not great with them either.

So I spent much of the day concerned about the pigeon. Yes about it's wellbeing, but moreover how the hell I was going to remove it from under the hutch when it shuffled off it's mortal coil.

In the meantime one of our rabbits decided to dig a kind of trench (nowhere near the slug grave thankfully) and laid down in it, looking to all intents and purposes, well, dead. Seriously I have never seen it so still. I called Paul. We stroked her and talked in a worried fashion. She didn't move a muscle and her glass eyes stared upwards (well sideways, she is a rabbit). Then she stood up and ran around the garden at high speed refusing to go back in her hutch, like every other sodding night.

Finally, after dark, the time came to remove the pigeon as it had passed away next to the hutch. The decision was taken (after about a second) that Paul was going to deal with it's departure. He scooped it up a child's pink plastic spade after the third attempt and walked it around the house and down the road, dropping it only a couple of times. He then threw it ceremoniously over the end wall. A natural funeral is what it would have wanted, plus I didn't want to dig it a grave in case for obvious reasons. I should add over the wall is a fairly dense wooded thicket not someone's garden.

It's been a couple of days now and no more deaths or near deaths thank goodness. I'm trying not to think about rabbit demise. It won't go well for me when it happens. But they are supposed to live about 8 years so hopefully we don't have to worry just yet.

I am wondering however whether I should seek out some therapy...

Tricky Stuff

Ok so I'm being honest here. Before I start please don't worry about me. This is me recognising a problem and talking about it so I can make sense of myself and tackle it.

I've been crying this last week. Once every day in fact. Sometimes because I'm worried about my daughters. Sometimes because I felt overwhelmed. And once because I read a post about a teacher on the internet.

I have a tense feeling in my stomach.

I'm a bit ill which doesn't help. I have a shocking sore throat and feel dizzy and tired, with a definite twitch in my left eye. I've been sleeping more than usual.

My food intake so far today has consisted of a bagel, half a packet of fizzy strawberry laces, some dark chocolate, a glass of orange juice, a salmon fillet and a can of diet coke. That's all the food groups covered there surely. You'll be reassured I've now filled my fridge and fruit bowl and planned what we are eating all week.

I tried to launch myself into exercise on Monday to fix things. I walked to work and back and my hips hurt for two days afterwards.

I know Autumn is a trigger period for my moods. Post September I seem to slump and feel lost. I know I have to take action, but it's hard. Maybe if I make a pledge publicly I hope it will help me stick to it.

1. I will do 20 minutes yoga as often as I can - with the kids. We have finally got rid of the carpet covered in dubious stains so it's quite appealing to lie in the middle of the living room floor.

2. I will keep talking (my husband is brilliant at listening to me) and writing.

3. I will follow the planning meals and eating fruit and veg thing. Chocolate will however also feature but I'll give the kids the rest of the fizzy laces.

Anxiety is a bummer. When I start to feel symptoms this is usually when I shut down and stop communicating so this time I'm not. I'm sticking two fingers up to my amygdyla.

Edited to add - this is not the only or even main thing in my life. Writing about it may look as if it is. My anxiety exists alongside me doing things and having fun. Some days it's worse. Some days it's better. It isn't all encompassing. I know this is lucky and might seem weird. It definitely is hard to explain.