Update

So I failed again during my anxious period and haven't written since mid October. There definitely seems to be a pattern.

I'm feeling a lot better at the moment. As usual I can't identify why. There were a few really bumpy weeks but I'm out the other side. Again. Which is very good.

One trend at the moment is how early I keep waking up. There are benefits of course. I'm really enjoying half an hour to watch the news and think. It's cold enough I can justify the fire on and a dressing gown and blanket on the sofa. Of course I can't do anything particularly useful because I like the half an hour so much I don't want to shorten it by making any actual noise. I can't boil the kettle and the TV is barely audible. I am also desperate to reduce the bags under P's  eyes, help T claw back lost sleep from last week and let my husband have some rest. But I also want just a bit more peace for me.

If only I wasn't so flipping tired it would be genius.

Apart from that I feel nearly ready to make some changes. Hopefully they will be long term ones. I'm joining a gym, yet again. I have a list of stuff to do that involves getting a hair cut. It's a realistic list I think.

The biggest change I need to make is turning down social media in my life. Not turning it off, just turning it down. So I'm going to check it in the evening each day and not before. I can't tell you how hard this will be - it's become such a habit to read what's going on this way far too often. I'm going to walk down the street with my phone in my pocket. And I'm going to listen to even more Radio Four.

So in the short term please can you text me, not Facebook message me if you want me? The last thing I want is to miss out on contact.

Much love, K

A Job

I've bitten the bullet and last week I was offered a job. It's in HR, which is allegedly my specialist subject, but this time an administration role. I wanted something that used my skills and experience but that would fit around the girls and this fits the bill. Plus they want me which helps.

It seems like a good place to work - a place with heart and one that's held in high regard. The people seem lovely and the hours are good.

This is a positive thing. But it is also a very challenging thing.

Emotionally I instantly feel guilty. I gave everything up to be a stay at home mum and I don't regret a moment of it. Everyone has to choose their own path and this was mine and I'm proud of it. This change is a significant one.

Me not being home in the holidays worries me. The girls, especially the little one, might be upset or angry. They might not, but guilt is the big thing about parenting isn't it?

And then there's the fact that we will have to be more organised. The house and chores have to be better than this because I'm not going to be around in the day to deal with it. Everyone will have to have roles. I wonder if rabbits are any good at hanging washing out.

I don't want to make things harder for anyone and it inevitably will change things. But it should also mean a bit more money coming in for those more exciting holidays (I love Whitby but one day I will get to Venice...) and the new windows and carpet we still need.

And more than all of this, it means I have a clearer sense of purpose in the day. I can do something really useful and be around new people. My brain can get a much required workout.

I'm looking forward to it, and yet I still feel the prickle of tears when I think about it. I've loved being at home with the girls and now it's not going to be the same any more. Change is a good thing. But the tears are inevitable.