Tricky Stuff

Ok so I'm being honest here. Before I start please don't worry about me. This is me recognising a problem and talking about it so I can make sense of myself and tackle it.

I've been crying this last week. Once every day in fact. Sometimes because I'm worried about my daughters. Sometimes because I felt overwhelmed. And once because I read a post about a teacher on the internet.

I have a tense feeling in my stomach.

I'm a bit ill which doesn't help. I have a shocking sore throat and feel dizzy and tired, with a definite twitch in my left eye. I've been sleeping more than usual.

My food intake so far today has consisted of a bagel, half a packet of fizzy strawberry laces, some dark chocolate, a glass of orange juice, a salmon fillet and a can of diet coke. That's all the food groups covered there surely. You'll be reassured I've now filled my fridge and fruit bowl and planned what we are eating all week.

I tried to launch myself into exercise on Monday to fix things. I walked to work and back and my hips hurt for two days afterwards.

I know Autumn is a trigger period for my moods. Post September I seem to slump and feel lost. I know I have to take action, but it's hard. Maybe if I make a pledge publicly I hope it will help me stick to it.

1. I will do 20 minutes yoga as often as I can - with the kids. We have finally got rid of the carpet covered in dubious stains so it's quite appealing to lie in the middle of the living room floor.

2. I will keep talking (my husband is brilliant at listening to me) and writing.

3. I will follow the planning meals and eating fruit and veg thing. Chocolate will however also feature but I'll give the kids the rest of the fizzy laces.

Anxiety is a bummer. When I start to feel symptoms this is usually when I shut down and stop communicating so this time I'm not. I'm sticking two fingers up to my amygdyla.

Edited to add - this is not the only or even main thing in my life. Writing about it may look as if it is. My anxiety exists alongside me doing things and having fun. Some days it's worse. Some days it's better. It isn't all encompassing. I know this is lucky and might seem weird. It definitely is hard to explain.

Time to Talk

Today has been #timetotalk day, an initiative to get people talking about mental health.

Somewhat ironic then that I had a counselling session at 8.30 this morning and my counsellor didn't show up. Clearly it was not my time to talk to her, or her to me in fact. The first time we met she didn't have any tissues, or in fact a chair for me to sit on. It hasn't been plain sailing.

All in all it's a good thing I'm in a better place right now. I dealt with it by telling the receptionist I "had commitments" and "couldn't wait", rather than launching into a sobbing diatribe about how terrible the morning had been so far, the fact I hadn't even had a cup of tea yet and that my house currently resembles a germ factory. All true (apart from the need to cry, hooray!)

Not a great start but I coped because I'm in a good place at the minute (mentally at least) And when I feel like this it's hard to remember how bad I felt before. But it is important to remember and it's important to talk about mental health. Especially today.

I think that many people who have mental health problems can suffer greatly from the feeling that they have failed in some way. I know I certainly did. In my first session my counsellor said there were an awful lot of "shoulds" in how I felt. I should be able to cope. I should be a better mum. I should have a clean house. I should be able to remember stuff I learned for GCSE. I should be thinner, fitter, more girly, happier, taller. Well maybe not the last one although it would be nice.

That's why I want people to talk about their mental health. I want people to hear that they haven't failed. That they aren't alone. That billions of people go through this. And most importantly that there are people who will be there for them.

Some people don't find talking about this kind of thing easy. I do (when I'm well anyway), but lots of people don't. And you know what, that's ok. You don't have to find out the details. But if you do nothing else just send a text. You know that person you have an inkling about? Ask them how they are feeling. Send an email. Give them a quick squeeze in the playground. Buy them a little something. Go round with a packet of fig rolls. It doesn't really matter, just make a small connection. Chances are even if they don't respond joyfully on the outside it has meant the world to them in a time when every day feels tough.

Thank you.