Middle Aged Gig Goer

We went to see Johnny Marr last night. He was great and played new stuff along with loads of classic Smiths and Electronica tracks - fantastic. I do feel a little devilish though so here goes with my middle aged rant about gigs:

1. If you wish to pogo please go down to the first third of the crowd. Thank you.

2. If you are over six foot four please stand somewhere else other than in front of me. Also don't make it even worse by sporting a quiff. You don't need extra height.

3. It's not just tall people. If you have a massive head (width wise) you can move out of the way too. If you aren't sure whether you fit into this category just ask and I'll give you feedback.

4. As if tall and wide heads weren't tricky enough please do not add to my visibility issues by waving your arms in the air or jabbing you fingers in the direction of the band. It's annoying.

5. While we are at it, please leave your phone in your pocket. It's bad enough that I struggle to see past you, without you rubbing it in further by showing me a miniature version of what I'm missing.

6. To the man with a wide head in front of me: I don't believe that "Ryan Home" will have particularly enjoyed you calling him to play him a distorted version of "Getting Away with It" by the Pet Shop Boys. I appreciate Johnny Marr remixed it, but if you absolutely must choose a song to ring during, "Big Mouth Strikes Again" would have been a better choice...Actually no, ringing someone during a gig is stupid. I know I probably did it in my youth but I'm 37 now and I know better than you.

7. And finally an apology. I apologise if I stepped on your foot. You were all very gracious, especially my middle aged friends and the infant school teachers who happened to be there too.

For the youngsters that did tut please be advised that women who have had children cannot drink pints and go through a whole gig without needing the loo. If you attend the gig of a man who was most successful in the 1980s you can expect a large proportion of the audience to fit into this category. Me pushing past you to get to the toilet and treading on you, during one of his less exciting songs, is far better than the alternative. Believe me.

It was good though...