Middle Aged Gig Goer

I go to a fair few gigs. One only last week in fact. But last night made me feel a bit old. Which is ironic because most of the audience were the same age as me and in fact the band members are my senior by a few years. But they have something I will never have. A desire to dress up in a boiler suit and a beanie hat and play dramatic extended electronic music most nights of the week.

The whole thing made me question myself and I'm coming to terms with what I have known for some time. I can no longer cope with rainbow lazers seemingly pointed directly into my eyes. I'm not sure about extended electronic dance tracks. I know I'm short but I could barely see a thing. Apparently there are five people in Super Furry Animals and yet I definitely only counted two. The only way I could see them was if I jumped on the spot like House of Pain. If I jumped I caught a brief second glimpse of a life I could never live and don't wholly understand.

Great view isn't it?

If truth be known I like my gigs to include a reasonable eye line to the musician or musicians, a bit of conversation with the audience, the band playing some actual well known tracks and more than a square inch to stand in. I want to sing, to dance and to access the toilet without having to practically crowd surf my way there. I don't particularly want to be blinded and my love of boiler suits and yeti outfits has left me, if indeed it was ever there to begin with.




I'm sorry. I know others loved it, it says so on Twitter. To me it was a good night because of fantastic friends, not because of the formulaic, sensory depriving gig. My head is still spinning.

Middle Aged Gig Goer

We went to see Johnny Marr last night. He was great and played new stuff along with loads of classic Smiths and Electronica tracks - fantastic. I do feel a little devilish though so here goes with my middle aged rant about gigs:

1. If you wish to pogo please go down to the first third of the crowd. Thank you.

2. If you are over six foot four please stand somewhere else other than in front of me. Also don't make it even worse by sporting a quiff. You don't need extra height.

3. It's not just tall people. If you have a massive head (width wise) you can move out of the way too. If you aren't sure whether you fit into this category just ask and I'll give you feedback.

4. As if tall and wide heads weren't tricky enough please do not add to my visibility issues by waving your arms in the air or jabbing you fingers in the direction of the band. It's annoying.

5. While we are at it, please leave your phone in your pocket. It's bad enough that I struggle to see past you, without you rubbing it in further by showing me a miniature version of what I'm missing.

6. To the man with a wide head in front of me: I don't believe that "Ryan Home" will have particularly enjoyed you calling him to play him a distorted version of "Getting Away with It" by the Pet Shop Boys. I appreciate Johnny Marr remixed it, but if you absolutely must choose a song to ring during, "Big Mouth Strikes Again" would have been a better choice...Actually no, ringing someone during a gig is stupid. I know I probably did it in my youth but I'm 37 now and I know better than you.

7. And finally an apology. I apologise if I stepped on your foot. You were all very gracious, especially my middle aged friends and the infant school teachers who happened to be there too.

For the youngsters that did tut please be advised that women who have had children cannot drink pints and go through a whole gig without needing the loo. If you attend the gig of a man who was most successful in the 1980s you can expect a large proportion of the audience to fit into this category. Me pushing past you to get to the toilet and treading on you, during one of his less exciting songs, is far better than the alternative. Believe me.

It was good though...