Day Six - Homeward Bound

We got up at the crack of dawn on Friday after a restful night of at least two hours sleep and dragged the girls out of bed. Tilly was asleep fully clothed. She panicked in the night that she wouldn't get up in time to get dressed so did it and went back to sleep. She's so like her mother.

We finished the holiday by getting on the wrong tram, getting off at the next stop and getting on a different one. Why change the habit of a life time? I blame the lack of sleep anyway.

A final emptying of wallets in the airport saw us buying a tacky china windwill and milkmaid (also china, we wouldn't have got a real one through passport control) and more pastry. I think Phoebe was on sausage roll breakfast number five by this point. I still couldn't have a cup of tea.

The flight was great. The kids loved the view. I didn't have the pleasure since not content with a bit of ear pain my body actually decided to give me a nose bleed on the way up so I spent most of the flight which a tissue to my nose and a hand on my ear. Phoebe never stopped talking once.

We located the car on landing, put the wrong credit card in the car park barrier machine on the way out and were charged £10 for the privilege. This had definitely been a costly holiday but it was worth every penny. Apart from those spent on the chocolate sprinkle sandwich and the car park barrier that is. And the crap tea.

We officially loved Amsterdam and would love to do another city break. Of course we can't afford it any time soon so the next exotic destination will have to wait. April sees us staying in a hotel in Birmingham with Tesco Club card vouchers and dining solely in Pizza Express. Ah well. At least there is little chance of us getting run over by a bicycle in Cadbury World.

Day Four - Science and Boats

We woke with a determination to get every last penny of saving from our IAmsterdam cards and got to NEMO the children's science museum just as it opened. Which was a blessing because later on it got extremely busy. In fact it was the only really busy place we went to the whole time we were away which isn't bad for half term.

NEMO is terrific. Loads of hands on experiments and buttons to press and explanations in both languages. Phoebe loved the water cleaning area where she filled and emptied buckets a lot. Tilly was very taken with the Chemistry Lab (she now wants her own apparently) where she wore a lab coat and messed about with test tubes. Phoebe didn't want to go in there in case she accidentally turned herself into a frog.

There was a science show at one point entirely in Dutch but very funny and dramatic so the kids enjoyed it. I noted with interest that a large number of children were laying on the stairs to look through the gaps. A member of staff came and ask them to move...sideways a bit. That wouldn't happen in the UK.

The only area we avoided was the "Let's Talk About Sex" area. I know, I know, I should have been taking the opportunity to discuss it openly at an early age where there are loads of things for the kids to look at, but after all I am English, they are only four and six, and I wasn't sure discussing a display of artist mannequins in different sexual positions was a way I wanted to finish the holiday. I also avoided the "French Kissing Machine" where each child put their hand inside a tongue and flapped it around at the other one. I am so British.

We went on the roof. Fantastic view and bitterly cold, but the whole place is fabulous. Highly recommended.

For lunch we went to the maritime museum cafe. We ordered cheese toasties for 4.50 euros each. The waitress asked if we wanted whale shaped ones for the kids which were the same price. I asked if they were the same size. She said they were smaller. I said no then. She brought them anyway.

We had promised that the kids could go on the boat outside the maritime museum but of course our cards had run out and the museum was expensive. But a promise is a promise and it was a great replica ship. There was also a show in the museum where you were filmed pretending to row and projected onto the screen. It had pirate attacks in it that Tilly hid from but it was an experience.

We only did about half the museum and could have spent longer but I think everyone was ready for pizza so Vapianos again for dinner.

On the way back someone asked us the way to somewhere. We obviously looked like we knew what we were doing. We didn't know the answer.

We played new logic puzzles before bed and tried to get to sleep early expecting Irish music at high volume in the night.

And then it happened. The night before an early start to catch the train and aeroplane and we had the worst night of the week. Tilly chose the last night to launch herself off the top bunk five feet in the air. I was worried about her so let her sleep with me in a single bed. Well I say sleep, I certainly didn't and eventually my protection instinct faded and I am ashamed to say I sent her back to the lethal bed. Then the music started and the bass filled the room. Plus Tilly had at some point had a nose bleed as the cleaners would discover the next morning when changing the bed. She didn't notice though so not all bad. We were extremely pleased none of this happened on day one.

Day Four - Traditional Netherlands

You're hopefully getting the gist by now that Amsterdam is ridiculously easy to navigate with children. This, and my determination that the girls would understand a bit of social history of the country we'd come to, led us to go on a day trip.

Wednesday was cold. Bitterly cold. The ideal day to go and stand in flat unsheltered countryside and climb up windmills. But what else did we expect in February?

The train takes you straight to Zaanse Schans in about twenty minutes and is a little bit kitsch I must admit but there is nothing wrong in that. Think Holland and it was there. Clogs, cheese, Dutch rural life  and windmills. Quite a lot of windmills.

In the clog making shop I managed to resist the temptation to buy the girls cow print clogs. They were 33 euros a pair so it didn't take long to come to the decision. Shame though.

In Zaanse Schans museum we started with cake. It was explained to me that I could have luxury cake containing raisins, sugar and fennel. I managed to cover up my horror at the idea of fennel cake and bought it anyway. Which was fortunate because she meant cinnamon. I can't criticise though since I can only say yes and no in Dutch. And "Help" because it's "Help".

The museum was lovely, if somewhat difficult to explain. 

After that we went through the cheese making shop and the girls said loudly "ugh smelly". I bustled them out. We didn't want any gouda anyway.

Then the windmills. We went in an oil windmill up extremely steep ladders to the top which had very little barrier around it. It was hair raising on a windy day but somewhat liberating coming from a country where there are five foot railings at the top of everything slightly high in case you feel the urge to leap off. Then we visited a reconstructed saw mill. You can't say we weren't giving the kids the full Netherlands experience.

I should at this point explain that Paul and I grew up in South Holland in Lincolnshire. I could see the connection obviously: very flat, very wet land that had to be drained, lots of tulips in Spring (not that that can be said of Spalding now whose flower parade now features quite a lot of cabbages). But it was vastly different. Zaanse Schans was flat AND picturesque. Which I wouldn't say of the fens. It was probably the windmills that helped. I'll be kind and say they both have a "lot of sky" which is the romantic description of my childhood county.

We had extortionate pancakes for lunch that were lovely and so huge we couldn't finish them. Paul drank Heineken. We were embracing the Netherlands whole heartedly.

The girls entertained themselves by making up incomprehensible versions of Rock, Paper, Scissors on the train and bemusing most of the passengers.

We had promised Tilly if there was time when we got back we'd go to the Van Gogh Museum. So we tore across the city on the tram to find it was shut and the exhibition had moved to the Hermitage. Right near our hotel. Cheers for that. A few posters near our hotel would have been helpful.

More tearing about and we made it.

I can honestly say I was quite affected by seeing several of the paintings. Specifically The Bedroom, and Sunflowers of course. But also those he painted on both sides of the canvas when he had no money. 

It turns out Phoebe (4) knows quite a lot about Van Gogh. "He's the man who always wears a hat isn't he?". Apparently she painted the Bedroom at school. It's important that they learn about Post-Impressionism in reception.

Tilly was marginally disappointed that Starry Night wasn't there so we'll have to go and find that in New York. She also asked if he did any paintings after he chopped his ear off. Turns out he did but I don't expect they were very cheerful.

The shop is full of his images on everything you can think of. It's a bit unnerving. And hideously expensive.

Back at the hotel the girls did sticker books while we had shots of Nescafe and longed for Yorkshire tea.

Typically in second to last evening we discovered the perfect restaurant for the week - Vapianos. On entry you are given a card then you go to each counter, choose the pasta and the sauce you want (or pizza) and they cook it in front of you. You hand over the card and they add what you've ordered to it and you pay on leaving. It's comparatively cheap, fast and tasty. Once you work out what the hell you are supposed to be doing. 

Always keen for movie repetition the girls watched Cloudy again and Paul and I hoped against hope that everyone slept well  and no impromptu Irish gigs had been arranged. We needed have worried. We were all so exhausted it wouldn't have mattered. 

Day Three - The Zoo

Breakfast was disappointing. I'd bought cheese, ham and butter the day before and appropriated the remaining honey from Phoebe's lunch. Spreading butter with a spoon is a little tricky but needs must. Man I needed a proper cup of tea.

We started day three proper by getting on the tram in the wrong direction. It had to happen. We got off again at the next stop. The kids thought we were stupid as did most of the other people on the tram.

Artis is the city zoo in Amsterdam and is fantastic. We easily filled a whole day there despite the cold. We went to watch the sea lions being fed but since the commentary was all in Dutch we didn't learn much. Fortunately it didn't really matter. Sea lions still leap for fish whatever the language.

There is a large butterfly house in the zoo which helped with thawing Paul's hands out, and a massive aquarium which everyone loved. I was genuinely amazed by how interested the girls were in most things, particularly the babies. Baby gorillas are officially the cutest thing in the world, followed closely behind by a day old zebra, a tiny chimpanzee and a baby elephant. Well not literally or that would be more like an old style circus.

It was on this day that a few people seemed to assume two things:

1. That the girls are twins. They kept going "aaaaaah" which we found amusing. It must have been the matching coats.
2. That we were Dutch. One couple stopped and asked us where something was. We looked bemused then she changed in broken English and after five minutes we realised what she meant by "ice bear". There aren't any.

The only negative I could see to the zoo was the size of the lion and elephant enclosures. Beingin a city obviously gives it space issues that Doncaster clearly doesn't suffer from.

We left after the purchase of yet another cuddly toy. A Penguin named Artis who has since been sewn his own duvet. At this rate the toys will need their own room let alone their own bedding.

We came back on the tram and ate at Wagamamas which of course is brilliant for families whatever country you are in. Then it was back to the room to watch Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs on the IPad.

  Another brilliant day. Great day out at the zoo,  we had only passed one sex shop so far (and everyone apart from me had been looking the other way at the time) and no-one had been hit by a bicycle. Winner.

Day Two - Art and Water

There was a TV opposite the beds and the girls insisted on watching it before doing anything else on Monday morning. A good thirty minutes was spent with them watching a cartoon entirely in Dutch on Nickelodeon.

"How do you know what's going on?" I asked.

"We don't" came the reply. They still got cross when I turned it off.

Our "hotel" doesn't do breakfast and since we didn't know what we were doing we went in search of some and ended up in a patisserie. My kids thought they had died and gone to heaven. Cake for breakfast is up there with build a bear workshops and jelly babies.

It was at the patisserie that Paul and I discovered it is not sensible to ask for a cup of tea in Amsterdam. They don't put milk in it, it tastes weird and all hot drinks come in a handleless glass. Very odd. Nice cake though.

We walked to Rembrants house afterwards which we hadn't intended to see but it was a place to buy an IAmsterdam card and actually it was great. This was where Rembrandt lived for most of his life, although all the contents are replicas since he went bankrupt. We saw how he made etchings and how his assistants made paint. The girls did English work books and got involved as usual. It's to be recommended. Then we went to the toilet and I couldn't work the taps - which Phoebe announced to everyone in hearing distance on our exit. English fools.

We went on foot to find a cafe for lunch.

People will tell you that Amsterdam is a great place to go with children because the lack of cars makes it so safe. I beg to differ. Bicycles are lethal. I had a near miss with one as I tried to walk around a man who was pulling a pallet of something heavy. It was apparent that the cyclist's grasp of English, like every else in Amsterdam, was excellent. He said loudly "Oh for goodness sake". I suspect he also knew plenty of expletives but chose not to use them. I thank him for that.

We went to a cafe recommended in our guidebook (I do like to plan). It was a bit of an error as they were somewhat superior in their tone and extremely expensive. Plus Tilly ended up with chocolate sprinkles on French stick. She was overjoyed. I was wondering how much apple juice could actually count as all of her five a day.

In the afternoon we joined a canal tour. Despite the fact that the kids couldn't decide whether to sit indoors and overheat, or outdoors and freeze after twenty minutes, we all had a great time. The canals are a must if you're visiting but you have to sit inside if you want to learn anything. As a result I know very little but I have lots of photos.

After that we ended up near Vondelpark which would have been lovely in the Spring but was frankly freezing in Feburary. We flew a pocket kite (ever prepared) and avoided getting run over by bicycles. We then went to the Kinderkook kafe.

I swear this is a brilliant business idea: a cafe entirely for kids. You select a recipe from the cards on display and take a plate from the fridge and all the items and utensils the recipe indicates. I must have been tired or something, or maybe there was some instruction lacking, but it was not a seamless operation. We found most of the ingredients but not all the utensils. This led to me borrowing some squirty oil from a table opposite and smearing it onto the baking tray with my hands. Nice.

When Tilly had cut her biscuit shapes out we took them to the kitchen and they cooked them for her. Meanwhile Phoebe had decorated a cake with more sweets. We wondered when the kids would come down off the ceiling.

So the girls were happy. I was harassed and needed a hot drink. The cafe is bizarre. You simply help yourself to everything, which would be ok if the written instructions weren't entirely in Dutch. Or if being English didn't render you incapable of dealing with such freedom. I felt like I was stealing.

I located the coffee machine and stood looking troubled for a few minutes. No-one came to help (they were probably too busy chuckling into their hands) so I pressed what I thought was the cappuccino button.  Half a cup of warm milk filled my handleless glass. I tried pressing what I thought was the coffee button. Nothing happened. I gave up and moved onto Paul's. He  had bravely asked for tea so I pressed the hot water button and threw in a dubious looking tea bag. No milk was available so I poured in my cappucino froth. He didn't say it was very nice.

After a while I was so desperate for a drink that I went to ask for assistance and it transpired the machine was out of coffee. I felt like a bit of a numpty.

We took the tram back and then walked the last bit past a beautiful cinema that I would have loved to go to. Amsterdam were welcoming "Richard Gere" and putting out the red carpet. He wasn't staying in our annexe funnily enough.

At dinner time we found an Italian restaurant where the mix of Italian, Dutch and English both verbally and written on menus was a challenge but they did pizza and wine so everything was fine. The kids were pretty well behaved, but Phoebe was decidedly tired and kept throwing herself at me kissing me. We left fairly quickly at the end and as we gathered our things the man at the next table smiled and said we had "put on quite a show". I'm sure he didn't mean that. Maybe he just needs to work on his colloquialisms.

To bed and a night without Irish music had us sleeping like babies. So far so good.

Amsterdam - Day One

I tried in vain to explain where we were going for half term to my children. Every time I said we were "going to Amsterdam, the capital of the Netherlands" one or other of them honestly thought we were going to Neverland. This happened several times. I hope the lack of fairies didn't disappoint.

We flew from Leeds Bradford airport and due to my usual over planning arrived way too early and had lots of time to kill. Better than being late though I suppose. Although I'm not often late so I wouldn't know.

Phoebe asked if you have to wear the same clothes as you did in your passport photo. I liked that idea.

The trip was unremarkable. Phoebe had slept in the car. The girls loved the aeroplane despite not being able to see anything as it was dark. I did not love the pain in my ears.

On arrival we realised that everyone speaks pretty much perfect English. Which believe me makes life a lot easier, especially when you are trying to get a family to a hotel by train then tram and don't know what you are doing.

We were staying in the Amstel Zicht Hotel. Well actually we were in an annex and the "zicht" of the "Amstel" was pretty much irrelevant. The entrance to the hotel is beautiful - chandeliers, shiny granite, friendly receptionists. The "quadroom" on the other hand is like another building. Well it is another building. Accessed from a strange old archway and door and bang opposite the back room of an Irish bar. The "zicht" of the wall isn't the best but we didn't look out of the window much so it didn't really matter.

Our room was functional. One room with a double bed, a bathroom and another room with bunk beds (the top one scarily without a rail), a TV, some chairs and a fridge, safe and worktop. It was absolutely fine, but that's about as far as I'll go on the review front. It served our purpose.

We were concerned about the noise from the pub, especially since we spotted a complimentary jar of ear plugs. I kid you not. Fortunately 'Outlaw Express' weren't on until Thursday.

The girls were exhausted. Tilly said that she was sure the word "weary" was the best one for describing how she felt, even though she didn't know what it meant. I concurred.

Sleep went ok. I woke quite a bit, my brain obviously expecting Celtic music any minute. But ultimately it was a success. We were there and had managed to not lose children or luggage in transit. A good start.